IELTSコーチング結果報告/IELTSオフィシャルスコア公開【異文化の魔法特別企画最終回】

＜過去の連載記事：異文化の魔法特別企画＞
＃１IELTSをSayaと一緒に勉強しようチャレンジスタート！
＃２IELTSコーチング企画の途中経過報告
＃３１ヶ月半に渡るコーチング終了と成果報告

ANSWER（1回目のチャレンジ）
The table shows the percentages that the consumer of five countries spent money on what items in 2002.

The items were categorised into three, food and drink and tobacco, clothing and footwear, and leisure and education. The five countries are Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey.

Overall, the most consumed category is food and drink and tobacco from 15.77% in Sweden to 32.14% in Turkey. The least is leisure and education from 1.98% in Spain to 4.35% in Turkey.

Regarding food and drink and tobacco, the percentage of Italy at 16.36%, Spain at 18.80% and Sweden at15.77% are relatively similar. The percentage of Turkey at 32.14% is almost doubled compared to Sweden. in Sweden.

Clothing and footwear, the percentage is almost the same from 5.40% to 6.63% in four countries except for 9.00% in Italy.

The spending on leisure and education is at just around 2% to just over 3% in four countries except for 4.35% in Turkey.

(158 words)

saya

コーチング開始前のエッセイは、段落構成が、不十分である点や、淡々と数字が述べられているエッセイでしたので、アカデミックライティングの基礎固めと、Task1で必要なカテゴリー間の傾向の「比較」という点を、しっかりとコーチングで学んでいっていただきたいな〜って思い、コーチングを開始しました！

ANSWER（2回目のチャレンジ）

The table indicates the percentages of consuming the different categories; food, drink and tobacco, clothing and footwear, and leisure and education, in five countries; Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey, in 2002.  Overall, all countries showed a similar trend that the percentage of food and drink and tobacco was the highest, and the one of leisure and education was the lowest, while some countries had distinctive characteristics.

Regarding food and drink and tobacco, the percentages of them were the highest in the three categories.  In particular, Ireland and Turkey are relatively higher at 28.91% and at 32.14% respectively than other countries, at just under 16% in Sweden, at just over 16% in Italy, and at nearly 19% in Spain.

In terms of clothing and footwear, the highest proportion was at 9% in Italy and the lowest is at 5.4% in Sweden.  The other three countries are at nearly 6.5%.Finally, the ratio of leisure and education was at just around 2% to just over 3% in four countries except for 4.35% in Turkey. 

(172 words)

saya

段落構成は、三段落構成へと変化し、とてもスッキリとしたエッセイに変わりました。ただし、もう少しイントロダクションを短くまとめ、ボディパラグラフは、「比較」の視点を含めるトレーニングが必要だと感じます。コーチングではTask２を重点的に行っていったので、今後はTask1の演習を重ねていってほしいなと思っています！

ANSWER（３回目のチャレンジ）
*1~2回目のエッセイは連載記事③参照

saya

1回目と2回目のエッセイとは、見違えるほどレベルの高いエッセイへの変化しましたので、連載記事③をご覧になってから、こちらのエッセイをごらんください！

In modern society, entertainment, such as music and movie, is crucial for people. Some people think that some of the celebrities are paid too much money. This essay will explain the reasons why I disagree with this opinion, and what kind of profession should be highly rewarded.

saya

課題のパラフレーズとThesis Statementがしっかりと入ったイントロダクションが書けるようになりました！

First of all, in my opinion, entertainers are not paid money extensively. This is because they spent their lot of time and effort to achieve their goal, while they have anxiety that they might not be able to succeed. They should be rewarded for their success and perseviarance. Furthermore, the price of the services, such as their songs and tickets for movies, is affordable to purchase. For instance, people can watch movies freely paying only nearly $20 a month for on-demand services such as Netflix and Amazon Prime. Thus, I believe that entertainers are paid appropriately.

saya

課題で求められているのが、Opinion essayであるということを、しっかりと見抜いて、文章を構成できています！

ただ、少し第二段落は文章が長い気もしますね。

In addition, managerial workers should be highly paid. The reasons for this is that they have enormous responsibilities, and their decisions have an impact on the lives of employees and society. Also, they should be rewarded for their outcome. People need to acquire a lot of knowledge and experience to obtain the position, and they need high skills to make a decision.

saya

Thesis statementで明記した自分の立場がぶれることなく、論理展開しているのが、とても良いと思います。

In conclusion, this essay has explained the reasons why I think that entertainers should be allowed to earn a lot of money, and managerial workers should also be paid highly. This is because entertainers should be rewarded for their efforts and the services which they provide is not expensive, and the managerial workers should be highly paid too since their decisions affect the employees’ lives and society. 

(272 words)

ANSWER（１回目のチャレンジ）

In modern society, thanks to the economic growth, a number of large buildings are erected in metropolises.  Some people think that the builder should follow some restrictions defined by government, whereas others insist that the way of construction should be allowed freely.  This essay will discuss these two statements and explain the reasons why I think that building construction should be controlled.

saya

イントロダクションはバッチリ！

On the one hand, the formality of construction should be restricted by law from the perspective of safety.  This is because safety ought to be guaranteed to everyone, and also government has the obligation to secure citizens.  For instance, enourmous earthquakes happen in Japan frequently, and some old building collapsed and some people got killed because of the earthquakes, such as the one in Tohoku area in 2011 and in Kansai area in 1995.  Therefore, the law to restrict construction should be established as some private company may not guarantee safety.

saya

例の選択の仕方をもう少し考えましょう。トピックから外れていきやすくなっていますよ。

On the other hand, construction building should be admitted freely as the builder invest a tremendous asset.  Some argue that the builder has to pay too much money by the restrictions.  Private companies would like to reduce the cost to erect, however, they cannot imply as the criterion of timber, such as the ingredient and the strength, are regulated.  Likewise, control of government generates the shortcomings in terms of costs.

saya

課題で求められている内容（Task response）を常に意識して、課題に対する答えになっているのか？という視点をしっかりと吟味しましょう。

In conclusion, this essay has discussed the two points of view about restriction of construction building.  Although some advocate that government should not regulate by law as they would like to decline the cost, I think that construction of the building should be regulated to keep safety for citizens.

saya

コーチングの成果もあって、アカデミックライティングの構成の基盤はできてきていますが、課題に対するアイディアがまだ十分でない点もあるので、アイディアを蓄えることに時間をかけてみましょう！

(272 words)

ANSWER（2回目のチャレンジ）

Nowadays, a number of new buildings are constructed in large cities because of economic growth. Some think that governments should control the design of a building, whereas others insist that owners should be allowed to erect buildings whatever they want. This essay will discuss these two points of views and explain the reasons why I agree with the former opinion.

saya

イントロダクションの書き方はバッチリです！

On the one hand, the design of the building should be restricted by the government. This is because the design of the building is related to various crucial aspects, such as safety and the development of the city, and also the government is the only one that can regulate them by law. For instance, the strength of the building should be guaranteed to keep safe since private companies may not consider it. In addition, the designs, such as the height and the exterior, are important to make an atmosphere of the cities. For example, Kyoto, which is one of the most traditional tourist cities in Japan, is restricted the height of the building to maintain the atmosphere.

saya

第二段落が少し長すぎるかもしれませんね。例題部分を少し削った方が、まとまりが良くなると思います。

On the other hand, people should be admitted to constructing buildings without any restrictions since builders put their enormous amount of asset. And also, the government should not regulate as builders have their purposes to erect the building.

saya

第二段落と第三段落の分量の差が目立ちます。また、文頭にAndは避けるようにしましょう。

Considering both perspectives discussed above, personally, I agree with the first statement. People can construct buildings whatever they want if the government would not regulate, however, the government should regulate to impose their policies to develop the town appropriately. 

saya

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.のタイプの課題であるということを理解して、Considering both perspectives discussed aboveの段落を入れたということは、Task responseにもCoherence / Cohesionの点数向上に大きく貢献するはずです！！

In conclusion, this essay has discussed the two different views in terms of the restriction of building construction. Although some insist that the government should not restrict as they would like to build what they want, in my opinion, construction of the building should be regulated to develop the adequately.

(304 words)