【異文化の魔法特別企画】１ヶ月半に渡るコーチング終了と成果報告

＜参考記事：異文化の魔法特別企画＞

＃１IELTSをSayaと一緒に勉強しようチャレンジスタート！

＃２IELTSコーチング企画の途中経過報告

ANSWER（2月22日）

There are some people who called the billionaire who is an eauntreplenare, an invester and an entertainer.  They earn much money and have a tremendous fourtune.  To this situation, there is an opinion that entertainers like film stars, pop musicians, sports stars are paid too much money.

saya

課題のパラフレーズをするトレーニングとIntroductionの書き方のトレーニングが必要だと感じました。

I basically disagree with this opinion.  I think it should be admitted to make much money for everyone.  For the first, there is a premise for me that there is a quite difference between they earn much money because of their performance and they have much money and look like monopoly the wealth.

saya

第二段落がThesis Statement にあたるのかな？と思いましたが、Thesis Statementが長すぎるので、IELTSの250words程度に見合うThesis Statement の書き方のサポートが必要だと感じました。

First, I think that entertainer is a kind of business man.  I can not understand the difference between entertainer and businessman because they both earn money with their endevour and talent.  It should be admitted to earn money when they are accepted their results of endevour or talent like goods and performance.

Second, the entertainers spend a lot of time to brush up their skills and talents.  And the time which they spend a hardship and pile up their endevour is not promised to succeed.  Their success is a result that they surpass the hardship which they have been walking with their belief and effort.

Third, we are not exploited too much money from them.  When we see a movie, a show, a game, listen to their song, we buy them with our intention.  And also the price is not too much expensive.  For instance, after we buy a song at only $3 on iTunes, or buy a movie at $30 on Amazon once, we can enjoy them permanently.  We can get the right to enjoy them which entertainer made their efforts with such a low price.

saya

Bodyパラグラフが三段落はダメとは言いませんが、もう少しBodyの書き方のトレーニングが必要だと感じました。

In conclusion, I think that the money they earn is the right of them and it should be admitted.

(306 words)

saya

Conclusionも不十分なので、ここも基礎固めの必要性があるな！と思いました。そして、３００wordsオーバーは、ちょっと長いかもしれません・・・。

ANSWER（3月20日）

In modern society, people are enjoying various entertainments, such as musics, movies, and sports, and also some celebrities earn a lot of money.  Some people insist that entertainers are paid too much.  This essay will explain the reasons why I disagree with this opinion, and indicate other kind of profession should be paid high reward.

saya

タスクのパラフレーズとThesis Statementを含めた、Introductionの書き方が定着してきました！

First of all, in my opinion, entertainers should be paid much reward.  This is because they have made a lot of effort until they achieve their goal.  In my experience, one of my friends had aimed to be a rock musician and he tried hard extensively to achieve his goal while he always embraced the anxiety whether he could succeed or not.  Thus, as entertainers had made a lot of effort, they should receive a lot of reward.

In addition, managerial workers should be highly paid according to the weight of their responsibilities.  This is because their decision has a large effect.  For instance, the manager in large company, such as Google and Apple, need to make crucial decision.  Also, their decision affects the life of their employee and society.  Likewise, the person who has responsibilities should be paid much money.

saya

Bodyは基本は二段落構成、そして、Topic Sentence、Supporting Sentence、Exampleの流れをしっかりと意識した文章に近づいてきました！

In conclusion, this essay has explained the reasons why I think entertainers should be paid much reward and the other type of career which should be paid.  In my opinion, entertainers should be paid highly as they made a lot of effort, and manager of the company should be paid highly, too, as their decision has an impact on employee and society.

 (258 words)

saya

Conclusionパラグラフも、ちゃんと課題を振り返って、Bodyで書いたことも振り返り、十分な分量に変化しました。ワード数も完璧です！